My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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