the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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