so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
