Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
