my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
