first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
