Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
