Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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