i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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