final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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