You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
