I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
