Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Bring me that man meat
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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