i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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