I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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