Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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