You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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