Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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