pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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