I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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