I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
