it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
