Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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