I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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