I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
