Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
they're like a gay fantastic four
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
