Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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