Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
