I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dicks are not precious.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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