so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
