In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
