Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
