I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
