Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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