My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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