I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
