he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
