She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
