Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
