I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
