i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
