we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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