if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
