one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
