Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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