dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
