Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
