he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
