when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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