it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
