he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Farmville is her only friend.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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