Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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